Thursday, June 21, 2012

Pulling yourself out of a rut!!!

I have learned many times through many ruts that only you can pull yourself out. But when you are in a rut it is so hard not to keep downward spiraling. I recently was in and out of a rut for a couple months. Most of the time there is a cause behind a rut, but sometimes we fall into the rut so hard that we have no idea how we got there. It's like all these small little things that push you further and further down. At some point we try to dig ourselves out. The most important thing is to ask for help. Here are some other things I have learned that help.

1) Ask for help.
Let me go into detail on this one. Ask someone you trust for help. A best friend, parent, teacher. Someone who you know that will not judge you or give you something negative or make you feel worse. I was in this rut and I was seeking help from the wrong people. When all I needed to do was call my best friend. She knows me better than anyone and she comforted me, hugged me and talked me back into therapy. If you go to the wrong person, keep talking with people until you find the right one. After talking to my best friend, things started to turn around. (Props to Sarah Anne!)

2) Do the opposite
If you tend to be someone that is a homebody, get out and do something that you wouldn't normally do. If you go out all the time, spend some time alone. I tend to be a homebody and I also isolate.  So getting out helped distract me from my negative thoughts. I bumped into an old friend and a friend of hers at the beach and laughed for hours! It also motivated me to put an effort into organizing events with friends and getting out more!! (Thanks Meredith and Pat)

3)Do something nice
This can range from smiling at the person who made your coffee to volunteering at a nursing home. When I go out to do errands, I make sure I smile at everyone, hold doors open and wish someone a good day. Even if that person is super cranky and does not say good morning to you, say it to them! There's too many grumpy people out there and you might make their day, in turn that will make your day!!!
Try it: Smile at 3 people.

4) Feeling lonely or homesick?
I feel this way often, I miss my parents, especially on Sundays. I feel alone because my family is scattered all over the country, we never get to be together. The best advice is to get out and meet people, join a group ( is great, you can search for events and groups in your city) or call up friends you haven't seen in a while. Make an effort to strengthen rocky friendships.
Also, if you are going to call home, call home once. Don't call home everyday, it will make you miss family more (once a week is plenty enough). Put an effort into making true healthy relationships where you currently are geographically. I put this advice into action and it helped me more than anything else! (Props to Ken F. for this)

5) Get in touch with your inner child
Watch a disney movie, buy a hula hoop and a jumprope. Seriously you'll crack yourself up. If you own property buy a trampoline (or a small one - Check out Gabrielle Bernsteins book add more ~ing to your life) Wear a 'new kids on the block' shirt or pop in a NSYNC CD or dance, or all three of those at the same time!

6) Write
Weather its a story or journal entry, just do it!!!!! Just set a timer for 10- 15 minutes and pour your heart out. It might help you find out why you are in a rut. It also is a huge release. No one will read this so write all your dirty little secrets ; ) !
(I am working on a blog about writing: check back soon!)

7) Do yoga
Do yoga til you become a yoga. I don't really know what that means, maybe do yoga until you are blue in the face. Nope thats not yoganic either. Just do yoga!!!!! Try a gentle class if you are a beginner. If your not a beginner just make a commitment to get to a class. If you are broke- youtube it!!!

I was able to write this now, after I have been feeling more like myself.  I had been jotting all these things down I was doing, what worked and what didn't. I hope this will help anyone who is in a rut! These six things helped me so much. Along with amazing friends, family and a kick ass roommate. I am back in therapy and I am not afraid to admit it. Therapy is helping me get in touch with my needs and working on fulfilling them. With all of the things above I was able to pull myself out of the rut, stronger than ever!
If this has helped you please comment, give feedback. I do have more advice, contact me if you need it!!!!

Namaste !

Saturday, May 12, 2012

My Best

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher

 I have been struggling with a lot lately. When I think back, I realize I have been struggling for a long time. With what? I am trying to figure that out. I have been trying, but my ego tells me its not hard enough. I know right now I am doing my very best. I know that every single day is a new day, just that. Starting over and trying again tomorrow. My dad always says, "as long as you do you best, thats all you can ever do." And right now this is my best.
 I have recently been doing some spiritual work. I have found that I have depended too much on others for advice, answers, solutions to my "issues", whatever they are at the time. And of course there is always something. I listen to what people have to say, listening to their honest opinions and then I make them my own. So after this realization, knowing that I can't depend on anyone else, I am left with myself. And when I sit in silence and let my thoughts flow, I am overwhelmed. My own inner voice scares me. This is a huge problem that needs lots of work. My inner voice is what will lead me to the right place at the right time. My inner voice is what truly knows the answers to everything. Sitting down and listening and trusting my inner voice, myself, is something I have never done. It sounds and feels like a stranger. The misery I have been through is self inflicted and I know this. I also know that no one can pull me of of this misery, its completely up to me. I know that the first step is to just humbly admit that I am struggling. Then where do I go from here? I remember hearing when I was younger, turn to God. He will always be there, no matter how much time has passed since you've talked. I remember hearing this also a couple of days ago from an audiobook. Just turn over the "stuff" thats going on to God, stop trying to control it , stop trying to figure it out. So I have been trying a couple of times a day to sit and pray, not exactly to anyone specific, just sending out some stuff into the universe. Then following my prayer with a meditation. In the book Spirit Junkie it says that prayer is for asking and meditation is for receiving. I guess I need to do a lot of asking. But I need to do more asking through prayer instead of through people. Don't get me wrong the people I have turned to give great advice, but it may not be the right advice for me to follow. Whats right for one person may be completely wrong for another. And I think for years I may have been following someone elses intuition which has lead me to mass confusion and to become spiritually misaligned. 
 So now today is that new day I waited a couple of hours for. I am going to make the best of it while doing my best.  I need to get back to me, the happy person I was a couple of months ago. I need to tune into myself and tune out the rest of the advice that may not be so good for me. I choose to be happy, I choose love, I choose myself. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same -Carlos Castaneda

    Last night I did some searching. I was looking for some specific information on something I had been trying to cope with. I honestly searched until I found something bad written about the topic. I honestly forced myself into feeling like shit and becoming negative. I did not come across any of this information by chance.
 When we feel something because we are dealing with something tough we look for a way to label it. We look for a way to deal. I always ask other peoples opinions or use google therapy, but honestly its what is in my heart that is always right.  Letting it be is probably the best way and then whatever it is just kind of works its way out, sometimes good, sometimes bad but always how it is meant to be. I always use 'existence' as a way of coping. When its time to write of the day off as a shitty day, I just say 'today all you have to do is exist' and usually my day improves. Because I am not trying to force happiness or a find a solution to anything.
  And timing is always right, I don't believe in the 'right' or 'wrong' time. It is so out of our control, when we try to control we wind up hurting ourselves and knocking ourselves out of alignment. The universe or god or your HP has got your back, we don't trust in that enough. It reminds me of people who plan to get pregnant, or plan to get married by this age or plan to buy a house this year. It doesn't happen because it doesn't work that way. Just roll with it! A friend of mine told me about how she was battling with the decision to go back to school. She kind of let her ego take the stage and was riding on fear. It was funny how I wrote all of the above in my journal 4 hours before this conversation.  She got accepted to a school for something she really really wants to do and the stars are all lined up!!! I gave her my opinion but honestly she needs to listen to her heart, her inner guide. And after I gave her my piece she was pretty much told me what was in her heart, leaving the ego out. She did everything she needed to do, she did her 'part'- now all she needs to do is sit back and let the universe rock it.

"I who hold galaxies together could handle the little circumstances of your life." -A Course in Miracles

“ .....Preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” - Carl Sagan

Friday, March 30, 2012

Home is a place of peace.

For the past  5 years of my life my home has been a very unstable place. Let me elaborate. I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago. Ever since then I have moved about 6 times. Most of them were decisions I made to establish a better "home" environment. When I think of "home" I think of  safety, security, love, peace.  Unfortunately it took me a long time to find that. 
The first 2 apartments I had in NJ we fully of some terrible memories. When I was at rock bottom I lived in these places, they were full of negativity and anger, regret, stress, suffering and hate.  These homes supported me while I struggled with depression and an eating disorder. The images I have looking back are ones I have chosen to leave behind. The only good thing about moving is that you can start fresh and create a new aura for your new home. And this is something I always neglected to do. But not this time.
 In my new home I plan to carry no negativity, anger, hate, suffering, fear, stress etc. No raising voices or screaming. I have made this commitment to my own heart to leave everything outside. If strong negative emotion arises,  I take it outside to the dumpster and dump it.  Even if I have to physically take out the trash, garbage yoga!  It does not follow me back into my home, because once you take out the trash you don't jump in the dumpster  and grab a banana peel. Also my bedroom will be an ultimate place of peace. I sleep, read, meditate, practice yoga, get dressed and thats it. No facebook, email, phone, tv or any source of  technology turned on in my bedroom. I don't even find that this would be difficult, I am not worried, I am ecstatic!!!
I keep laughing at all the boxes and mess I am surrounded in, it is complete chaos. My ADD allows me to do 7 different things at once. So I literally have everything half packed. I am not worried, I know it will get done. I am going to take the whole day to pack, with meditation and inspirational reading breaks. I also will be reaffirming myself all day out loud "you are doing this out of love."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Prayers and answers

  Growing up Catholic I learned to pray. Well, I guess I never really understood it, I just kind of followed along. Said Hail Mary and Our Fathers, but never really understanding any of it. I did what I was told to do and what was expected of me. I never was able to do what I wanted or believe what I wanted. Coming away from that is hard. As catholics we tend to feel guilty about the things we do, we are told we are wrong. Saying I am not Catholic not only brings my mother to tears but makes me feel like I am going to hell. Go Fig~

  One day I asked someone what is the purpose of prayer, why do we pray?  I never got a straight answer- one day you will learn, one day you will understand. Well, one day I got the answer and it wasn't in a church or while saying the Our Father. I came to a yoga class I had never gone to before. It was one I would have never chose to go to, something higher brought me there. Through a meditation the message was loud and clear "just ask!" So I started asking. I also started getting answers. I call them prayers, but they have no form and they are not specifically to a god. I guess they are to the universe or air or whatever is out there that is listening. I just say something like- I need to receive more money, I have a purpose that is bigger than this and because you are bigger than me I ask this of you. And let me tell you, this was my exact prayer about two months ago. Out of the blue I received a ridiculous amount of phone calls for babysitting. I have been pulling in an extra $60-$120 a week. I also was granted more time at work so I can finish some things that stressed me out. I found a new apartment that will be about $200 cheaper a month. It was truly a blessing. I must reassure you this money will be. I also must say this money is not a free give away, I am working very hard to receive this extra money.

  Something I also have been praying on is strength in relationships. I have always struggled with relationships with people, friends specifically. I had been feeling very weak in a couple of my friendships and I did not know what the future of these friendships would be. In the past I would have thrown in the towel at the first crack in the pavement. Now I know that any good relationship takes work, mixed with a little love, even when it's hard. So love to each of these "on the rocks" friendships took a turn this week. One friendship in particular I had been upset over was with my friend Katie. I  had not seen her in a while, it was like we both dropped off the face of the earth. Katie is such an amazing friend and a great person. A very successful Surface Warfare Officer for the Navy.  I have always had this sense she was put into my life for a reason, as all people are. Every time I talk to her I walk away from the conversation feeling relaxed and at ease. She is always positive and happy and has the most amazing aura I have ever felt. She has such a great outlook on life and what I truly needed was just to be around her more. Today we talked over lunch and I told her my dreams of running a half marathon. How I have always "wanted" to be a "runner". She said lets pick a date and run 8 miles. At first I was doubtful of being able to do it, especially after never running more than 5 miles. She said, "well only reason I ran a half marathon was because someone was patient with me.  I was in your shoes once and will be patient with you." How awesome is that!!! Totally reassure me that I can any distance I want. She continued to say "I know what you mean by always wanting to be a runner, because I have always wanted to do yoga. And you are part of the reason, you inspired me." Holy crap that made me feel so awesome, I love hearing that especially because I am aspiring to be a Yoga teacher and would hope to have that reaction one day from all of my students. Going to lunch with her was a blessing, we have planned to run and do yoga together this week and I am so thrilled to share both of these with her. Both yoga and running have been huge outlets for my mind and body. They have shown me patience, mental and physical strength, love, happiness...etc...etc I could go on forever! Why not share all of this with someone who has given me so much! 
I feel so blessed and am truly thankful for all that I have in my life, who I have in my life and what has been given to me. Amen!

Thursday, March 15, 2012


So I have been thinking way too much lately, the monkey mind is having a party.  I feel like nothing is going right, I am failing and spiraling downward. I have retorted back to old ways of thinking. Anxiety has become a bad habit of mine and is where my mind goes when I can't handle all the bullshit. Duh! I'm human. Then I get angry with myself when I sit in meditation. I can't sit still, I am thinking the craziest shit. Then I sit down to write and nothing comes. I sit down with a book and I can't read two sentences. What the fuck! How do I dig myself out of this? It is awesome when you surrender and ask for help what you find.
I found this great article(blog) the other day. It was a blog someone wrote for tiny buddha. Something was finally soaking into my brain, or at least part of it. It reads(link below):

1. Acknowledge the good in yourself.

Yes, you need to improve, but see what is right with the picture, too. Perfection does not mean only seeing what is wrong.

2. Accept help from others.

Don’t be ashamed to accept help if it is going to make your life easier. Our best work can rarely be achieved single-handedly.

3. Be aware of your larger purpose.

Make an effort to not get lost in insignificant details and lose sight of your goal. Perfection does not equal nit-picking.

4. Aim for awesome, not flawless.

This can be tricky, since we could stop ourselves short fearing that we might be pushing ourselves too hard. Perfection tastes best when peppered with balance.

So after reading this I decided that I can definitely use this. I have saved it to my phone and will tape it on my bathroom mirror. I can't always be 100%. We have days that suck, we fall down. Its when we stay down that everything continues to suck. When things start to get real bad, it is important for us to look what is going right in our lives and also where we can learn and grow from the situation. That is a very hard thing to do but even if its one little thing. Look to things like the person who smiles at you or holds the door. The person who says thank you.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Landing into the universes arms

  I am have been struggling for a while with money.  I am not in debt, I actually have never been in debt or borrowed money from anyone. I have lived on my own since I was 21 and have supported myself fully. Times got tough when I moved to Rhode Island. I am just making enough money to live. I am barely saving. And since I have to eat a certain diet because for medical reasons food costs me $85 a week, sometimes more. My medical insurance sucks, so I constantly have medical bills.
  When I lived in New Jersey, I had this abundant amount of money, I wasted a lot of it I can promise you that. I made good money at my past job(or at least compared to were I am now) but I was so unhappy. I failed miserably at job and in my relationships, everything had fallen apart. I lost so many friends, I lost a house I was purchasing, I had to move back in with my parents- It felt like the world was caving in.
  So I moved to Rhode Island trusting that it would all work out. And it did(for the most part). I was lucky enough to make money cleaning houses and nannying to make ends meet. I didn't complain. I wanted to be here, the universe sent these odd jobs to me so that I can stay here to find a job in my field. And then I did- but now I don't make any money, I don't get the respect I deserve and I don't even get to do half of the things I am allowed to do with my license. And now after being at my job for almost a year, it seems as if my responsibilities have increased, my frustrations and stress has increased, but my pay has not.
  I have been sad and stressed out, especially in the past week. I am stressed about money and finding and apartment and moving by April 1st. I miss my parents but won't have time to go see them this month. I miss my brother but a $700 plane ticket is out of the question. So yesterday the solution to my problems and stress was to just cry until I could get myself up to get laundry and unpacking from florida done. I wound up getting a lot done and making it to yoga.
  So I have to make a very big decision to stay in RI. I love it here, I would miss the beaches, the summers, I would sad to leave the awesome yoga studios I have found here. I know I need to find a different job, one that allows me to feel confident and happy, one where the pay reflects my work. There are not many jobs here in my field. Rhode Islands law and regulations of Dental Assistants are not strict at all, so my license means nothing here. But I feel this is not for me to decide. I will give it til December, 9 months. If things do not improve I will leave. I am surrendering all of my drama, worries and anxieties up to God. I am trusting the universe to take care of me. When things don't work out there is always a better way. I trust that everything will work out, even if the Jersey girl has to go back to Jersey!