Everyone has a part of their soul is about 6 years old. Mine was very strong last night. After babysitting two very strong spirited children I felt like I got my inner child quota of the week. Its always hide and seek or chase the babysitter. I had the day from hell and there was something about this game of hide and seek that put me at ease. Besides the fact that I found the best hiding spot ever and they never found me. Something about being chased around by a child is funny, I couldn't stop laughing for about 45 minutes. Why are we so serious as adults? We can definitely play a mean game of hide and seek. I think it would be so much fun!
Kids know how to have fun at all times, besides the fact that they don't have bills or a job, they really know how to let loose. And acting like a child for 2 hours really improved my mental state. Maybe I've discovered a new form of therapy. It seems that when a child feels a certain emotion the show it. They cry when they are sad, they certainly tell you when they are mad and they will also usually tell you why. How did we evolve into these beings of sacrifice. Sacrifice our feelings and emotions for others. We are so afraid of hurt, being hurt and hurting others that we don't say what we mean. I've realized over the years how much it actually hurts to feel something so strong and then hide it. I've also experience it the other way around where some hid something from me and in the end we both got hurt. Is that our adult game of hide and seek? Hiding true selves from others?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I met up with a good friend today. I talked to her about some struggles I have been having. She told me I need to write as an outlet for the things I need to get out. I enjoy writing a lot. But my fears in writing are that what I write won't make sense or I will use improper grammar. Those are just fears. Fears are like little fences we put up. You want what is on the other side of that fence but you won't open the fence or jump over it or find a way around. And you don't do that because of this illusion you have, because that's what fear is an illusion you create to make sense out of something that makes no sense. And since none of this makes sense, fear is stupid and not real. It almost as if you fear this thing and it becomes your reality because you were scared it would happen. So I went off on a tangent, but there is more to this than just fears of my writing being horrible. I fear falling in love/being hurt/rejection. I fear trusting people, learning that I can only trust my intuition and gut. I fear communication and how my feelings could hurt someone. And fear is a snowball, once you fear one thing you start fearing everything, and then you fear yourself. Then you loose yourself. Then you stop feeling your own emotions. And that's why I titled this quieting the mind, because mine needs to shut the fuck up and it wont. So I need to start meditating again and stop listening to every thought that comes through this brain I have.