Sunday, January 29, 2012


I always had this huge idea of what love is. I thought it was something you needed to feel for someone else and thats it. That love is something you give and receive from a significant other. I come to find out that love is in every single thing in existence and it starts with us. Love comes from the inside of your heart and resonates out to whatever it is you are doing. It starts with loving yourself, if you haven't found that love, you haven't found love. When you love yourself, nothing else matters. Everything fades away and whats left is what is important in you life. You truly find what you need when you surround yourself with love. How might this pertain to your life? I know for me I have finally found what I was searching for. I looked everywhere for it and found that what I was looking for never existed, but I existed. I was left with myself and I found love. Everything else is truly starting to fade away. I stopped caring about things that once gave me severe anxiety. I don't have money or I will never be able to buy a house or I will never have the family I want. All this stupid external crap that was clogging up my mind causing me distress, I am letting it go. I am turning it over to whoever is out there- the universe?
A couple of years ago I was afraid to be alone, I always had to hang out with friends, always trying to be accepted. I smoked weed and drank a lot hung out with people who now I know never even cared about me. Then something happened, I was so alone and I felt like I had nothing!!! I tried turning to my "friends" and they were not there. At all. I would cry and freak out and have panic attacks because I didn't know how to exist without other people, it was terrible. Then in June 2007 I woke up one day in the beautiful little state of Rhode Island to find that being alone was exactly what I needed. This situation set me up for the exact place I needed to go and to be. To find peace and acceptance and love. Very messy couple of years up until this point, but I am getting there. I know what and who matters in my life. I know what I want. Life is good.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Spirit Junkie- Gabrielle Bernstein 
I just finished reading Spirit Junkie and I am feeling pretty good about what I have taken away from it.  It has really given me some good ideas and has reinforced everything I have ever believed in. definitely a must read. I can't wait to put all I learned into action. This book was the perfect addition to my 40 day program.
 Doing yoga and meditating every day is helping me see a lot of things clearer.  Allows me to be open to new ideas and helps choose the positive/ important thoughts to roll with.  It is so hard to keep up a positive open state of mind. Especially when you are surrounded by negative people or negative situations. I came from a place of negativity and after being miserable and fighting constant depression and anxiety for years I knew something had to change. I started looking at every situation as if it had a purpose in my life (or as an assignment as Gabby B says). I have always believe that everything happens for a reason. Every single moment has lead us to where we are now. I never regret anything, even the ridiculously terrible shit I have been through has helped me grow into the person I am now. Life is so amazing and a lot of people can't grasp that. If you aren't loving life or having fun, something needs to change. This week I am revisiting the topic of Equanimity.  "Equanimity is the art of meeting life as it meets you- calmly, without drama or fuss."-Baron Baptiste Giving up control over situations and letting them be. Relaxing into what is and will be, accepting whatever it is and how it is at this exact moment. From this we then can be more calm and collected when we actually need to actively deal with something. We also don't waste time dealing with worthless bullshit and can put energy into things that really matter.  In reality all we ever have to do is exist. We never really have to do anything. Obviously we need to do the things we need to do to survive. But as Americans we don't just survive, we thrive- and its a problem. We are always trying to control, force, be better but in all the wrong ways. We can never relax with how things are because that is uncomfortable and we just can't deal. I took up yoga and meditation in an effort to quiet my mind and find true purpose in life. I got way more than I asked for and I thank the universe everyday for that.  

Friday, January 20, 2012

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad...

Over the past couple of years I have become in touch with a deeper side of myself.  Its as if everything I hear resonates inside of me. I forget a lot of stuff people say, but there are certain things I have heard along the way that have stayed with me. Things that I was meant to hear and meant to remember. I would like to share those now!!!

A yoga instructor who subbed for my normal yoga instructor said something to me that I probably will never forget. She basically said, People say "the world doesn't revolve around you" when in fact the world does revolve around you. Think about it. You wouldn't do anything you didn't want to do. I spent alot of time doing something I call "people pleasing" I would say yes to everything. Even if I had to sacrifice myself or my well being. I was afraid of people not liking me or "missing out" on something. But what I truly was missing was just the ability to be happy with myself, by myself. Wont get into that now. So basically from that moment on I just kind of let the world revolve around me, with the exception of certain things. I know now how to say NO when I don't feel up to something. I know when I need time to myself. I know when I need a yoga class. I guess she never had anything else to say because the universe never brought her back.

Another one of my favorite statements is "Its not my problem" - more specifically "Its not my problem you feel that way" I use it a lot especially when I don't feel like someone is expressing their feelings to me lovingly(nicely put Allison). If you don't like me because of this or that, than it is your own demon as to why you feel that way. Usually when we feel some kind of negative feeling towards another, there is deeper shit there. Thats why we back away and breathe before we react. Even then- its still not my problem you feel that way. In this world we can only be responsible for ourselves, not others. Everyones nuts, I am nuts! So yeah the world does revolve around me, and I like it that way. I do love my friends and family- just putting that out there!!!

One of my all time favorites is from my buddy Bob, Bob Marley that is.  "...Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean!"  If your not perfect, you can't expect anyone else to be, we are human. I always wanted to be perfect but am confused about the meaning. How can you want something you don't even understand?! Maybe perfection is a completeness with in the mind, which means you are the only one that can feel perfection within yourself. It is NOT physical. Maybe perfection is an illusion, just like fear.... but what do I know!

So I don't know how all of that made anyone feel, but it made me feel pretty damn good. I thought of these 3 things during my Yin Yoga class today. Yin yoga is a very deep practice in which poses are held for a long period of time. This opens up a lot of deep thought and emotional stuff. No shit!

Sunday, January 15, 2012


I figured I'd open this up to the public also- 
I started a new blog because I wanted a different name... I am so weird.

40 Days

I started this program last week called 40 Days to Personal Revolution. I did it last year and it really opened my eyes. I learned to meditate and I deepened my yoga practice.  I found out that a lot of issues I thought I had dealt with, still existed. I never finished the 40 days last year and I sure as hell did not keep up my meditation or yoga practice. Its not an excuse, but I got really sick last winter.  If I stuck with yoga and meditating it all would have been dealt with a lot better. Everything might not have been so bad. Especially because a lot of physical pain come from your state of mind. Besides the point! I am doing a second round of 40 days this year, with my new studio. Its different this time. I have read the book again and my mind has found things I did not see before. In the past week I have mediated every morning, wrote a lot, done yoga every night and have been eating well. Well, I could do a lot better with the eating portion, but I know I'll get there. So I am tapping into my awareness through meditation, I am not doing any chanting or crazy breathing methods, just sitting with myself and my thoughts and clearing them out. Cleansing out what my mind does not need. I am becoming so aware of everything. Lots of things are surfacing. I am feeling a lot of emotions. I am realizing I have no idea what compassion is. I am very hard on myself, I would never say the things I say to myself to a friend, I would never judge someone the way I judge myself. As terrible as some realizations are, becoming aware of them is the first step. A light bulb goes on when you realize something about yourself,  that doesn't mean you will know how to deal with it at that moment, but you get warmer every time you tap into it. Yoga has helped me do just that. Yoga has been life changing, from the second I accidentally stepped into a heated vinyasa class. I am luckily very flexible, but one thing I have always struggled with is arm balances. I back out because I can't fucking do side crow- I just quit. And its all relative to life. If you step on the mat and you say I can't- you wont, and that's almost a promise that when shit gets tough in life, you do the same. So how to we change that mindset- the I can't, I can't, I can't do this. Its not like the little engine- were not 5, the I think I can... I think I can.. doesn't really work. You can't just THINK you have to DO. If something is not aligned in your life you need to work at it. It is hard but in 2012 we have this thing called the internet, you can find out anything in 2 seconds. But you have to be open and willing. In my yoga practice this week there were two poses I did I could never do before. I dropped the fear and guess what!? I didn't fall on my face. I also didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. I know that fear is anxiety caused by thinking about the past or the future, when you live in this moment there is no fear. A lot easier said than done.