Friday, March 30, 2012

Home is a place of peace.

For the past  5 years of my life my home has been a very unstable place. Let me elaborate. I moved out of my parents house 5 years ago. Ever since then I have moved about 6 times. Most of them were decisions I made to establish a better "home" environment. When I think of "home" I think of  safety, security, love, peace.  Unfortunately it took me a long time to find that. 
The first 2 apartments I had in NJ we fully of some terrible memories. When I was at rock bottom I lived in these places, they were full of negativity and anger, regret, stress, suffering and hate.  These homes supported me while I struggled with depression and an eating disorder. The images I have looking back are ones I have chosen to leave behind. The only good thing about moving is that you can start fresh and create a new aura for your new home. And this is something I always neglected to do. But not this time.
 In my new home I plan to carry no negativity, anger, hate, suffering, fear, stress etc. No raising voices or screaming. I have made this commitment to my own heart to leave everything outside. If strong negative emotion arises,  I take it outside to the dumpster and dump it.  Even if I have to physically take out the trash, garbage yoga!  It does not follow me back into my home, because once you take out the trash you don't jump in the dumpster  and grab a banana peel. Also my bedroom will be an ultimate place of peace. I sleep, read, meditate, practice yoga, get dressed and thats it. No facebook, email, phone, tv or any source of  technology turned on in my bedroom. I don't even find that this would be difficult, I am not worried, I am ecstatic!!!
I keep laughing at all the boxes and mess I am surrounded in, it is complete chaos. My ADD allows me to do 7 different things at once. So I literally have everything half packed. I am not worried, I know it will get done. I am going to take the whole day to pack, with meditation and inspirational reading breaks. I also will be reaffirming myself all day out loud "you are doing this out of love."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Prayers and answers

  Growing up Catholic I learned to pray. Well, I guess I never really understood it, I just kind of followed along. Said Hail Mary and Our Fathers, but never really understanding any of it. I did what I was told to do and what was expected of me. I never was able to do what I wanted or believe what I wanted. Coming away from that is hard. As catholics we tend to feel guilty about the things we do, we are told we are wrong. Saying I am not Catholic not only brings my mother to tears but makes me feel like I am going to hell. Go Fig~

  One day I asked someone what is the purpose of prayer, why do we pray?  I never got a straight answer- one day you will learn, one day you will understand. Well, one day I got the answer and it wasn't in a church or while saying the Our Father. I came to a yoga class I had never gone to before. It was one I would have never chose to go to, something higher brought me there. Through a meditation the message was loud and clear "just ask!" So I started asking. I also started getting answers. I call them prayers, but they have no form and they are not specifically to a god. I guess they are to the universe or air or whatever is out there that is listening. I just say something like- I need to receive more money, I have a purpose that is bigger than this and because you are bigger than me I ask this of you. And let me tell you, this was my exact prayer about two months ago. Out of the blue I received a ridiculous amount of phone calls for babysitting. I have been pulling in an extra $60-$120 a week. I also was granted more time at work so I can finish some things that stressed me out. I found a new apartment that will be about $200 cheaper a month. It was truly a blessing. I must reassure you this money will be. I also must say this money is not a free give away, I am working very hard to receive this extra money.

  Something I also have been praying on is strength in relationships. I have always struggled with relationships with people, friends specifically. I had been feeling very weak in a couple of my friendships and I did not know what the future of these friendships would be. In the past I would have thrown in the towel at the first crack in the pavement. Now I know that any good relationship takes work, mixed with a little love, even when it's hard. So love to each of these "on the rocks" friendships took a turn this week. One friendship in particular I had been upset over was with my friend Katie. I  had not seen her in a while, it was like we both dropped off the face of the earth. Katie is such an amazing friend and a great person. A very successful Surface Warfare Officer for the Navy.  I have always had this sense she was put into my life for a reason, as all people are. Every time I talk to her I walk away from the conversation feeling relaxed and at ease. She is always positive and happy and has the most amazing aura I have ever felt. She has such a great outlook on life and what I truly needed was just to be around her more. Today we talked over lunch and I told her my dreams of running a half marathon. How I have always "wanted" to be a "runner". She said lets pick a date and run 8 miles. At first I was doubtful of being able to do it, especially after never running more than 5 miles. She said, "well only reason I ran a half marathon was because someone was patient with me.  I was in your shoes once and will be patient with you." How awesome is that!!! Totally reassure me that I can any distance I want. She continued to say "I know what you mean by always wanting to be a runner, because I have always wanted to do yoga. And you are part of the reason, you inspired me." Holy crap that made me feel so awesome, I love hearing that especially because I am aspiring to be a Yoga teacher and would hope to have that reaction one day from all of my students. Going to lunch with her was a blessing, we have planned to run and do yoga together this week and I am so thrilled to share both of these with her. Both yoga and running have been huge outlets for my mind and body. They have shown me patience, mental and physical strength, love, happiness...etc...etc I could go on forever! Why not share all of this with someone who has given me so much! 
I feel so blessed and am truly thankful for all that I have in my life, who I have in my life and what has been given to me. Amen!

Thursday, March 15, 2012


So I have been thinking way too much lately, the monkey mind is having a party.  I feel like nothing is going right, I am failing and spiraling downward. I have retorted back to old ways of thinking. Anxiety has become a bad habit of mine and is where my mind goes when I can't handle all the bullshit. Duh! I'm human. Then I get angry with myself when I sit in meditation. I can't sit still, I am thinking the craziest shit. Then I sit down to write and nothing comes. I sit down with a book and I can't read two sentences. What the fuck! How do I dig myself out of this? It is awesome when you surrender and ask for help what you find.
I found this great article(blog) the other day. It was a blog someone wrote for tiny buddha. Something was finally soaking into my brain, or at least part of it. It reads(link below):

1. Acknowledge the good in yourself.

Yes, you need to improve, but see what is right with the picture, too. Perfection does not mean only seeing what is wrong.

2. Accept help from others.

Don’t be ashamed to accept help if it is going to make your life easier. Our best work can rarely be achieved single-handedly.

3. Be aware of your larger purpose.

Make an effort to not get lost in insignificant details and lose sight of your goal. Perfection does not equal nit-picking.

4. Aim for awesome, not flawless.

This can be tricky, since we could stop ourselves short fearing that we might be pushing ourselves too hard. Perfection tastes best when peppered with balance.

So after reading this I decided that I can definitely use this. I have saved it to my phone and will tape it on my bathroom mirror. I can't always be 100%. We have days that suck, we fall down. Its when we stay down that everything continues to suck. When things start to get real bad, it is important for us to look what is going right in our lives and also where we can learn and grow from the situation. That is a very hard thing to do but even if its one little thing. Look to things like the person who smiles at you or holds the door. The person who says thank you.