40 Days

I started this program last week called 40 Days to Personal Revolution. I did it last year and it really opened my eyes. I learned to meditate and I deepened my yoga practice.  I found out that a lot of issues I thought I had dealt with, still existed. I never finished the 40 days last year and I sure as hell did not keep up my meditation or yoga practice. Its not an excuse, but I got really sick last winter.  If I stuck with yoga and meditating it all would have been dealt with a lot better. Everything might not have been so bad. Especially because a lot of physical pain come from your state of mind. Besides the point! I am doing a second round of 40 days this year, with my new studio. Its different this time. I have read the book again and my mind has found things I did not see before. In the past week I have mediated every morning, wrote a lot, done yoga every night and have been eating well. Well, I could do a lot better with the eating portion, but I know I'll get there. So I am tapping into my awareness through meditation, I am not doing any chanting or crazy breathing methods, just sitting with myself and my thoughts and clearing them out. Cleansing out what my mind does not need. I am becoming so aware of everything. Lots of things are surfacing. I am feeling a lot of emotions. I am realizing I have no idea what compassion is. I am very hard on myself, I would never say the things I say to myself to a friend, I would never judge someone the way I judge myself. As terrible as some realizations are, becoming aware of them is the first step. A light bulb goes on when you realize something about yourself,  that doesn't mean you will know how to deal with it at that moment, but you get warmer every time you tap into it. Yoga has helped me do just that. Yoga has been life changing, from the second I accidentally stepped into a heated vinyasa class. I am luckily very flexible, but one thing I have always struggled with is arm balances. I back out because I can't fucking do side crow- I just quit. And its all relative to life. If you step on the mat and you say I can't- you wont, and that's almost a promise that when shit gets tough in life, you do the same. So how to we change that mindset- the I can't, I can't, I can't do this. Its not like the little engine- were not 5, the I think I can... I think I can.. doesn't really work. You can't just THINK you have to DO. If something is not aligned in your life you need to work at it. It is hard but in 2012 we have this thing called the internet, you can find out anything in 2 seconds. But you have to be open and willing. In my yoga practice this week there were two poses I did I could never do before. I dropped the fear and guess what!? I didn't fall on my face. I also didn't give a fuck what anyone thought. I know that fear is anxiety caused by thinking about the past or the future, when you live in this moment there is no fear. A lot easier said than done.