...existing

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same -Carlos Castaneda


    Last night I did some searching. I was looking for some specific information on something I had been trying to cope with. I honestly searched until I found something bad written about the topic. I honestly forced myself into feeling like shit and becoming negative. I did not come across any of this information by chance.
 When we feel something because we are dealing with something tough we look for a way to label it. We look for a way to deal. I always ask other peoples opinions or use google therapy, but honestly its what is in my heart that is always right.  Letting it be is probably the best way and then whatever it is just kind of works its way out, sometimes good, sometimes bad but always how it is meant to be. I always use 'existence' as a way of coping. When its time to write of the day off as a shitty day, I just say 'today all you have to do is exist' and usually my day improves. Because I am not trying to force happiness or a find a solution to anything.
  And timing is always right, I don't believe in the 'right' or 'wrong' time. It is so out of our control, when we try to control we wind up hurting ourselves and knocking ourselves out of alignment. The universe or god or your HP has got your back, we don't trust in that enough. It reminds me of people who plan to get pregnant, or plan to get married by this age or plan to buy a house this year. It doesn't happen because it doesn't work that way. Just roll with it! A friend of mine told me about how she was battling with the decision to go back to school. She kind of let her ego take the stage and was riding on fear. It was funny how I wrote all of the above in my journal 4 hours before this conversation.  She got accepted to a school for something she really really wants to do and the stars are all lined up!!! I gave her my opinion but honestly she needs to listen to her heart, her inner guide. And after I gave her my piece she was pretty much told me what was in her heart, leaving the ego out. She did everything she needed to do, she did her 'part'- now all she needs to do is sit back and let the universe rock it.

"I who hold galaxies together could handle the little circumstances of your life." -A Course in Miracles

“ .....Preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” - Carl Sagan

Love

I always had this huge idea of what love is. I thought it was something you needed to feel for someone else and thats it. That love is something you give and receive from a significant other. I come to find out that love is in every single thing in existence and it starts with us. Love comes from the inside of your heart and resonates out to whatever it is you are doing. It starts with loving yourself, if you haven't found that love, you haven't found love. When you love yourself, nothing else matters. Everything fades away and whats left is what is important in you life. You truly find what you need when you surround yourself with love. How might this pertain to your life? I know for me I have finally found what I was searching for. I looked everywhere for it and found that what I was looking for never existed, but I existed. I was left with myself and I found love. Everything else is truly starting to fade away. I stopped caring about things that once gave me severe anxiety. I don't have money or I will never be able to buy a house or I will never have the family I want. All this stupid external crap that was clogging up my mind causing me distress, I am letting it go. I am turning it over to whoever is out there- the universe?
A couple of years ago I was afraid to be alone, I always had to hang out with friends, always trying to be accepted. I smoked weed and drank a lot hung out with people who now I know never even cared about me. Then something happened, I was so alone and I felt like I had nothing!!! I tried turning to my "friends" and they were not there. At all. I would cry and freak out and have panic attacks because I didn't know how to exist without other people, it was terrible. Then in June 2007 I woke up one day in the beautiful little state of Rhode Island to find that being alone was exactly what I needed. This situation set me up for the exact place I needed to go and to be. To find peace and acceptance and love. Very messy couple of years up until this point, but I am getting there. I know what and who matters in my life. I know what I want. Life is good.

Spirit Junkie- Gabrielle Bernstein 

I just finished reading Spirit Junkie and I am feeling pretty good about what I have taken away from it.  It has really given me some good ideas and has reinforced everything I have ever believed in. definitely a must read. I can't wait to put all I learned into action. This book was the perfect addition to my 40 day program.

 Doing yoga and meditating every day is helping me see a lot of things clearer.  Allows me to be open to new ideas and helps choose the positive/ important thoughts to roll with.  It is so hard to keep up a positive open state of mind. Especially when you are surrounded by negative people or negative situations. I came from a place of negativity and after being miserable and fighting constant depression and anxiety for years I knew something had to change. I started looking at every situation as if it had a purpose in my life (or as an assignment as Gabby B says). I have always believe that everything happens for a reason. Every single moment has lead us to where we are now. I never regret anything, even the ridiculously terrible shit I have been through has helped me grow into the person I am now. Life is so amazing and a lot of people can't grasp that. If you aren't loving life or having fun, something needs to change. This week I am revisiting the topic of Equanimity.  "Equanimity is the art of meeting life as it meets you- calmly, without drama or fuss."-Baron Baptiste Giving up control over situations and letting them be. Relaxing into what is and will be, accepting whatever it is and how it is at this exact moment. From this we then can be more calm and collected when we actually need to actively deal with something. We also don't waste time dealing with worthless bullshit and can put energy into things that really matter.  In reality all we ever have to do is exist. We never really have to do anything. Obviously we need to do the things we need to do to survive. But as Americans we don't just survive, we thrive- and its a problem. We are always trying to control, force, be better but in all the wrong ways. We can never relax with how things are because that is uncomfortable and we just can't deal. I took up yoga and meditation in an effort to quiet my mind and find true purpose in life. I got way more than I asked for and I thank the universe everyday for that.  

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad...

Over the past couple of years I have become in touch with a deeper side of myself.  Its as if everything I hear resonates inside of me. I forget a lot of stuff people say, but there are certain things I have heard along the way that have stayed with me. Things that I was meant to hear and meant to remember. I would like to share those now!!!

A yoga instructor who subbed for my normal yoga instructor said something to me that I probably will never forget. She basically said, People say "the world doesn't revolve around you" when in fact the world does revolve around you. Think about it. You wouldn't do anything you didn't want to do. I spent alot of time doing something I call "people pleasing" I would say yes to everything. Even if I had to sacrifice myself or my well being. I was afraid of people not liking me or "missing out" on something. But what I truly was missing was just the ability to be happy with myself, by myself. Wont get into that now. So basically from that moment on I just kind of let the world revolve around me, with the exception of certain things. I know now how to say NO when I don't feel up to something. I know when I need time to myself. I know when I need a yoga class. I guess she never had anything else to say because the universe never brought her back.

Another one of my favorite statements is "Its not my problem" - more specifically "Its not my problem you feel that way" I use it a lot especially when I don't feel like someone is expressing their feelings to me lovingly(nicely put Allison). If you don't like me because of this or that, than it is your own demon as to why you feel that way. Usually when we feel some kind of negative feeling towards another, there is deeper shit there. Thats why we back away and breathe before we react. Even then- its still not my problem you feel that way. In this world we can only be responsible for ourselves, not others. Everyones nuts, I am nuts! So yeah the world does revolve around me, and I like it that way. I do love my friends and family- just putting that out there!!!

One of my all time favorites is from my buddy Bob, Bob Marley that is.  "...Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean!"  If your not perfect, you can't expect anyone else to be, we are human. I always wanted to be perfect but am confused about the meaning. How can you want something you don't even understand?! Maybe perfection is a completeness with in the mind, which means you are the only one that can feel perfection within yourself. It is NOT physical. Maybe perfection is an illusion, just like fear.... but what do I know!

So I don't know how all of that made anyone feel, but it made me feel pretty damn good. I thought of these 3 things during my Yin Yoga class today. Yin yoga is a very deep practice in which poses are held for a long period of time. This opens up a lot of deep thought and emotional stuff. No shit!

Quieting the mind

I met up with a good friend today. I talked to her about some struggles I have been having. She told me I need to write as an outlet for the things I need to get out. I enjoy writing a lot. But my fears in writing are that what I write won't make sense or I will use improper grammar.  Those are just fears. Fears are like little fences we put up. You want what is on the other side of that fence but you won't open the fence or jump over it or find a way around. And you don't do that because of this illusion you have, because that's what fear is an illusion you create to make sense out of something that makes no sense. And since none of this makes sense, fear is stupid and not real. It almost as if you fear this thing and it becomes your reality because you were scared it would happen.  So I went off on a tangent, but there is more to this than just fears of my writing being horrible. I fear falling in love/being hurt/rejection. I fear trusting people, learning that I can only trust my intuition and gut. I fear communication and how my feelings could hurt someone. And fear is a snowball, once you fear one thing you start fearing everything, and then you fear yourself. Then you loose yourself. Then you stop feeling your own emotions. And that's why I titled this quieting the mind, because mine needs to shut the fuck up and it wont. So I need to start meditating again and stop listening to every thought that comes through this brain I have.