My Best

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher


 I have been struggling with a lot lately. When I think back, I realize I have been struggling for a long time. With what? I am trying to figure that out. I have been trying, but my ego tells me its not hard enough. I know right now I am doing my very best. I know that every single day is a new day, just that. Starting over and trying again tomorrow. My dad always says, "as long as you do you best, thats all you can ever do." And right now this is my best.
 I have recently been doing some spiritual work. I have found that I have depended too much on others for advice, answers, solutions to my "issues", whatever they are at the time. And of course there is always something. I listen to what people have to say, listening to their honest opinions and then I make them my own. So after this realization, knowing that I can't depend on anyone else, I am left with myself. And when I sit in silence and let my thoughts flow, I am overwhelmed. My own inner voice scares me. This is a huge problem that needs lots of work. My inner voice is what will lead me to the right place at the right time. My inner voice is what truly knows the answers to everything. Sitting down and listening and trusting my inner voice, myself, is something I have never done. It sounds and feels like a stranger. The misery I have been through is self inflicted and I know this. I also know that no one can pull me of of this misery, its completely up to me. I know that the first step is to just humbly admit that I am struggling. Then where do I go from here? I remember hearing when I was younger, turn to God. He will always be there, no matter how much time has passed since you've talked. I remember hearing this also a couple of days ago from an audiobook. Just turn over the "stuff" thats going on to God, stop trying to control it , stop trying to figure it out. So I have been trying a couple of times a day to sit and pray, not exactly to anyone specific, just sending out some stuff into the universe. Then following my prayer with a meditation. In the book Spirit Junkie it says that prayer is for asking and meditation is for receiving. I guess I need to do a lot of asking. But I need to do more asking through prayer instead of through people. Don't get me wrong the people I have turned to give great advice, but it may not be the right advice for me to follow. Whats right for one person may be completely wrong for another. And I think for years I may have been following someone elses intuition which has lead me to mass confusion and to become spiritually misaligned. 
 So now today is that new day I waited a couple of hours for. I am going to make the best of it while doing my best.  I need to get back to me, the happy person I was a couple of months ago. I need to tune into myself and tune out the rest of the advice that may not be so good for me. I choose to be happy, I choose love, I choose myself. 
Namaste.

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad...

Over the past couple of years I have become in touch with a deeper side of myself.  Its as if everything I hear resonates inside of me. I forget a lot of stuff people say, but there are certain things I have heard along the way that have stayed with me. Things that I was meant to hear and meant to remember. I would like to share those now!!!

A yoga instructor who subbed for my normal yoga instructor said something to me that I probably will never forget. She basically said, People say "the world doesn't revolve around you" when in fact the world does revolve around you. Think about it. You wouldn't do anything you didn't want to do. I spent alot of time doing something I call "people pleasing" I would say yes to everything. Even if I had to sacrifice myself or my well being. I was afraid of people not liking me or "missing out" on something. But what I truly was missing was just the ability to be happy with myself, by myself. Wont get into that now. So basically from that moment on I just kind of let the world revolve around me, with the exception of certain things. I know now how to say NO when I don't feel up to something. I know when I need time to myself. I know when I need a yoga class. I guess she never had anything else to say because the universe never brought her back.

Another one of my favorite statements is "Its not my problem" - more specifically "Its not my problem you feel that way" I use it a lot especially when I don't feel like someone is expressing their feelings to me lovingly(nicely put Allison). If you don't like me because of this or that, than it is your own demon as to why you feel that way. Usually when we feel some kind of negative feeling towards another, there is deeper shit there. Thats why we back away and breathe before we react. Even then- its still not my problem you feel that way. In this world we can only be responsible for ourselves, not others. Everyones nuts, I am nuts! So yeah the world does revolve around me, and I like it that way. I do love my friends and family- just putting that out there!!!

One of my all time favorites is from my buddy Bob, Bob Marley that is.  "...Before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean!"  If your not perfect, you can't expect anyone else to be, we are human. I always wanted to be perfect but am confused about the meaning. How can you want something you don't even understand?! Maybe perfection is a completeness with in the mind, which means you are the only one that can feel perfection within yourself. It is NOT physical. Maybe perfection is an illusion, just like fear.... but what do I know!

So I don't know how all of that made anyone feel, but it made me feel pretty damn good. I thought of these 3 things during my Yin Yoga class today. Yin yoga is a very deep practice in which poses are held for a long period of time. This opens up a lot of deep thought and emotional stuff. No shit!