My Best

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher


 I have been struggling with a lot lately. When I think back, I realize I have been struggling for a long time. With what? I am trying to figure that out. I have been trying, but my ego tells me its not hard enough. I know right now I am doing my very best. I know that every single day is a new day, just that. Starting over and trying again tomorrow. My dad always says, "as long as you do you best, thats all you can ever do." And right now this is my best.
 I have recently been doing some spiritual work. I have found that I have depended too much on others for advice, answers, solutions to my "issues", whatever they are at the time. And of course there is always something. I listen to what people have to say, listening to their honest opinions and then I make them my own. So after this realization, knowing that I can't depend on anyone else, I am left with myself. And when I sit in silence and let my thoughts flow, I am overwhelmed. My own inner voice scares me. This is a huge problem that needs lots of work. My inner voice is what will lead me to the right place at the right time. My inner voice is what truly knows the answers to everything. Sitting down and listening and trusting my inner voice, myself, is something I have never done. It sounds and feels like a stranger. The misery I have been through is self inflicted and I know this. I also know that no one can pull me of of this misery, its completely up to me. I know that the first step is to just humbly admit that I am struggling. Then where do I go from here? I remember hearing when I was younger, turn to God. He will always be there, no matter how much time has passed since you've talked. I remember hearing this also a couple of days ago from an audiobook. Just turn over the "stuff" thats going on to God, stop trying to control it , stop trying to figure it out. So I have been trying a couple of times a day to sit and pray, not exactly to anyone specific, just sending out some stuff into the universe. Then following my prayer with a meditation. In the book Spirit Junkie it says that prayer is for asking and meditation is for receiving. I guess I need to do a lot of asking. But I need to do more asking through prayer instead of through people. Don't get me wrong the people I have turned to give great advice, but it may not be the right advice for me to follow. Whats right for one person may be completely wrong for another. And I think for years I may have been following someone elses intuition which has lead me to mass confusion and to become spiritually misaligned. 
 So now today is that new day I waited a couple of hours for. I am going to make the best of it while doing my best.  I need to get back to me, the happy person I was a couple of months ago. I need to tune into myself and tune out the rest of the advice that may not be so good for me. I choose to be happy, I choose love, I choose myself. 
Namaste.

Quieting the mind

I met up with a good friend today. I talked to her about some struggles I have been having. She told me I need to write as an outlet for the things I need to get out. I enjoy writing a lot. But my fears in writing are that what I write won't make sense or I will use improper grammar.  Those are just fears. Fears are like little fences we put up. You want what is on the other side of that fence but you won't open the fence or jump over it or find a way around. And you don't do that because of this illusion you have, because that's what fear is an illusion you create to make sense out of something that makes no sense. And since none of this makes sense, fear is stupid and not real. It almost as if you fear this thing and it becomes your reality because you were scared it would happen.  So I went off on a tangent, but there is more to this than just fears of my writing being horrible. I fear falling in love/being hurt/rejection. I fear trusting people, learning that I can only trust my intuition and gut. I fear communication and how my feelings could hurt someone. And fear is a snowball, once you fear one thing you start fearing everything, and then you fear yourself. Then you loose yourself. Then you stop feeling your own emotions. And that's why I titled this quieting the mind, because mine needs to shut the fuck up and it wont. So I need to start meditating again and stop listening to every thought that comes through this brain I have.