...existing

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same -Carlos Castaneda


    Last night I did some searching. I was looking for some specific information on something I had been trying to cope with. I honestly searched until I found something bad written about the topic. I honestly forced myself into feeling like shit and becoming negative. I did not come across any of this information by chance.
 When we feel something because we are dealing with something tough we look for a way to label it. We look for a way to deal. I always ask other peoples opinions or use google therapy, but honestly its what is in my heart that is always right.  Letting it be is probably the best way and then whatever it is just kind of works its way out, sometimes good, sometimes bad but always how it is meant to be. I always use 'existence' as a way of coping. When its time to write of the day off as a shitty day, I just say 'today all you have to do is exist' and usually my day improves. Because I am not trying to force happiness or a find a solution to anything.
  And timing is always right, I don't believe in the 'right' or 'wrong' time. It is so out of our control, when we try to control we wind up hurting ourselves and knocking ourselves out of alignment. The universe or god or your HP has got your back, we don't trust in that enough. It reminds me of people who plan to get pregnant, or plan to get married by this age or plan to buy a house this year. It doesn't happen because it doesn't work that way. Just roll with it! A friend of mine told me about how she was battling with the decision to go back to school. She kind of let her ego take the stage and was riding on fear. It was funny how I wrote all of the above in my journal 4 hours before this conversation.  She got accepted to a school for something she really really wants to do and the stars are all lined up!!! I gave her my opinion but honestly she needs to listen to her heart, her inner guide. And after I gave her my piece she was pretty much told me what was in her heart, leaving the ego out. She did everything she needed to do, she did her 'part'- now all she needs to do is sit back and let the universe rock it.

"I who hold galaxies together could handle the little circumstances of your life." -A Course in Miracles

“ .....Preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” - Carl Sagan

Love

I always had this huge idea of what love is. I thought it was something you needed to feel for someone else and thats it. That love is something you give and receive from a significant other. I come to find out that love is in every single thing in existence and it starts with us. Love comes from the inside of your heart and resonates out to whatever it is you are doing. It starts with loving yourself, if you haven't found that love, you haven't found love. When you love yourself, nothing else matters. Everything fades away and whats left is what is important in you life. You truly find what you need when you surround yourself with love. How might this pertain to your life? I know for me I have finally found what I was searching for. I looked everywhere for it and found that what I was looking for never existed, but I existed. I was left with myself and I found love. Everything else is truly starting to fade away. I stopped caring about things that once gave me severe anxiety. I don't have money or I will never be able to buy a house or I will never have the family I want. All this stupid external crap that was clogging up my mind causing me distress, I am letting it go. I am turning it over to whoever is out there- the universe?
A couple of years ago I was afraid to be alone, I always had to hang out with friends, always trying to be accepted. I smoked weed and drank a lot hung out with people who now I know never even cared about me. Then something happened, I was so alone and I felt like I had nothing!!! I tried turning to my "friends" and they were not there. At all. I would cry and freak out and have panic attacks because I didn't know how to exist without other people, it was terrible. Then in June 2007 I woke up one day in the beautiful little state of Rhode Island to find that being alone was exactly what I needed. This situation set me up for the exact place I needed to go and to be. To find peace and acceptance and love. Very messy couple of years up until this point, but I am getting there. I know what and who matters in my life. I know what I want. Life is good.