My Best

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher


 I have been struggling with a lot lately. When I think back, I realize I have been struggling for a long time. With what? I am trying to figure that out. I have been trying, but my ego tells me its not hard enough. I know right now I am doing my very best. I know that every single day is a new day, just that. Starting over and trying again tomorrow. My dad always says, "as long as you do you best, thats all you can ever do." And right now this is my best.
 I have recently been doing some spiritual work. I have found that I have depended too much on others for advice, answers, solutions to my "issues", whatever they are at the time. And of course there is always something. I listen to what people have to say, listening to their honest opinions and then I make them my own. So after this realization, knowing that I can't depend on anyone else, I am left with myself. And when I sit in silence and let my thoughts flow, I am overwhelmed. My own inner voice scares me. This is a huge problem that needs lots of work. My inner voice is what will lead me to the right place at the right time. My inner voice is what truly knows the answers to everything. Sitting down and listening and trusting my inner voice, myself, is something I have never done. It sounds and feels like a stranger. The misery I have been through is self inflicted and I know this. I also know that no one can pull me of of this misery, its completely up to me. I know that the first step is to just humbly admit that I am struggling. Then where do I go from here? I remember hearing when I was younger, turn to God. He will always be there, no matter how much time has passed since you've talked. I remember hearing this also a couple of days ago from an audiobook. Just turn over the "stuff" thats going on to God, stop trying to control it , stop trying to figure it out. So I have been trying a couple of times a day to sit and pray, not exactly to anyone specific, just sending out some stuff into the universe. Then following my prayer with a meditation. In the book Spirit Junkie it says that prayer is for asking and meditation is for receiving. I guess I need to do a lot of asking. But I need to do more asking through prayer instead of through people. Don't get me wrong the people I have turned to give great advice, but it may not be the right advice for me to follow. Whats right for one person may be completely wrong for another. And I think for years I may have been following someone elses intuition which has lead me to mass confusion and to become spiritually misaligned. 
 So now today is that new day I waited a couple of hours for. I am going to make the best of it while doing my best.  I need to get back to me, the happy person I was a couple of months ago. I need to tune into myself and tune out the rest of the advice that may not be so good for me. I choose to be happy, I choose love, I choose myself. 
Namaste.

...existing

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same -Carlos Castaneda


    Last night I did some searching. I was looking for some specific information on something I had been trying to cope with. I honestly searched until I found something bad written about the topic. I honestly forced myself into feeling like shit and becoming negative. I did not come across any of this information by chance.
 When we feel something because we are dealing with something tough we look for a way to label it. We look for a way to deal. I always ask other peoples opinions or use google therapy, but honestly its what is in my heart that is always right.  Letting it be is probably the best way and then whatever it is just kind of works its way out, sometimes good, sometimes bad but always how it is meant to be. I always use 'existence' as a way of coping. When its time to write of the day off as a shitty day, I just say 'today all you have to do is exist' and usually my day improves. Because I am not trying to force happiness or a find a solution to anything.
  And timing is always right, I don't believe in the 'right' or 'wrong' time. It is so out of our control, when we try to control we wind up hurting ourselves and knocking ourselves out of alignment. The universe or god or your HP has got your back, we don't trust in that enough. It reminds me of people who plan to get pregnant, or plan to get married by this age or plan to buy a house this year. It doesn't happen because it doesn't work that way. Just roll with it! A friend of mine told me about how she was battling with the decision to go back to school. She kind of let her ego take the stage and was riding on fear. It was funny how I wrote all of the above in my journal 4 hours before this conversation.  She got accepted to a school for something she really really wants to do and the stars are all lined up!!! I gave her my opinion but honestly she needs to listen to her heart, her inner guide. And after I gave her my piece she was pretty much told me what was in her heart, leaving the ego out. She did everything she needed to do, she did her 'part'- now all she needs to do is sit back and let the universe rock it.

"I who hold galaxies together could handle the little circumstances of your life." -A Course in Miracles

“ .....Preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” - Carl Sagan

Love

I always had this huge idea of what love is. I thought it was something you needed to feel for someone else and thats it. That love is something you give and receive from a significant other. I come to find out that love is in every single thing in existence and it starts with us. Love comes from the inside of your heart and resonates out to whatever it is you are doing. It starts with loving yourself, if you haven't found that love, you haven't found love. When you love yourself, nothing else matters. Everything fades away and whats left is what is important in you life. You truly find what you need when you surround yourself with love. How might this pertain to your life? I know for me I have finally found what I was searching for. I looked everywhere for it and found that what I was looking for never existed, but I existed. I was left with myself and I found love. Everything else is truly starting to fade away. I stopped caring about things that once gave me severe anxiety. I don't have money or I will never be able to buy a house or I will never have the family I want. All this stupid external crap that was clogging up my mind causing me distress, I am letting it go. I am turning it over to whoever is out there- the universe?
A couple of years ago I was afraid to be alone, I always had to hang out with friends, always trying to be accepted. I smoked weed and drank a lot hung out with people who now I know never even cared about me. Then something happened, I was so alone and I felt like I had nothing!!! I tried turning to my "friends" and they were not there. At all. I would cry and freak out and have panic attacks because I didn't know how to exist without other people, it was terrible. Then in June 2007 I woke up one day in the beautiful little state of Rhode Island to find that being alone was exactly what I needed. This situation set me up for the exact place I needed to go and to be. To find peace and acceptance and love. Very messy couple of years up until this point, but I am getting there. I know what and who matters in my life. I know what I want. Life is good.

Spirit Junkie- Gabrielle Bernstein 

I just finished reading Spirit Junkie and I am feeling pretty good about what I have taken away from it.  It has really given me some good ideas and has reinforced everything I have ever believed in. definitely a must read. I can't wait to put all I learned into action. This book was the perfect addition to my 40 day program.

 Doing yoga and meditating every day is helping me see a lot of things clearer.  Allows me to be open to new ideas and helps choose the positive/ important thoughts to roll with.  It is so hard to keep up a positive open state of mind. Especially when you are surrounded by negative people or negative situations. I came from a place of negativity and after being miserable and fighting constant depression and anxiety for years I knew something had to change. I started looking at every situation as if it had a purpose in my life (or as an assignment as Gabby B says). I have always believe that everything happens for a reason. Every single moment has lead us to where we are now. I never regret anything, even the ridiculously terrible shit I have been through has helped me grow into the person I am now. Life is so amazing and a lot of people can't grasp that. If you aren't loving life or having fun, something needs to change. This week I am revisiting the topic of Equanimity.  "Equanimity is the art of meeting life as it meets you- calmly, without drama or fuss."-Baron Baptiste Giving up control over situations and letting them be. Relaxing into what is and will be, accepting whatever it is and how it is at this exact moment. From this we then can be more calm and collected when we actually need to actively deal with something. We also don't waste time dealing with worthless bullshit and can put energy into things that really matter.  In reality all we ever have to do is exist. We never really have to do anything. Obviously we need to do the things we need to do to survive. But as Americans we don't just survive, we thrive- and its a problem. We are always trying to control, force, be better but in all the wrong ways. We can never relax with how things are because that is uncomfortable and we just can't deal. I took up yoga and meditation in an effort to quiet my mind and find true purpose in life. I got way more than I asked for and I thank the universe everyday for that.